Heart Speaks Unto Heart

As a second year nursing student on the day
of our Capping and Badge-pinning

After I passed the Nurses’ Licensure Examination in 2007, I decided to follow God’s call to the priesthood. Instead of entering the Immaculate Heart of Mary Seminary, our diocesan seminary, I decided to enter the religious institute of the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate. After three years of religious formation, I received the religious name of Fra. Camillus, after the patron saint of nurses, St. Camillus de Lellis. 

St. Camillus de Lellis, my personal patron.

In 2010, I was sent to Italy to spend my tirocinio (regency) to serve my community in Casalotti, Rome and at the same time learn and study the Italian language in preparation for my philosophical and theological studies. My tirocinio consisted in being a cuoco (cook), a lavandaio (labandero) during afternoons, a full-time infermiere (nurse) to the sick, and a portinaio (porter) and telephone responder while serving a community of more than forty friars and priests. Since I was in Rome, the capital and center of Italy, I had more chances to travel on pilgrimages with my fellow brothers. All it took for me to go to Vatican City were 1 biglietto (ticket) worth 1 euro aboard a simple bus ride on l’autobus no. 146,  a 15-20 minute ride on the metropolitàna (train ride) from Battistini to Ottaviano, and then a stroll on the ancient pietrini streets towards St. Peter’s Square. My fellow Filipino brothers were sent to the countryside while I became a cittadìno in suburban Rome. Since I belonged to a large ‘international’ community, I had daily ‘cultural’ encounters not only with Italians but also with Nigerians, Beninese, Brazilians, Americans, Canadians, Australians, and Britons. But my life there was far from that of a Roman prince.

As an aspirant in the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate. On our way
to Kagahuman for our missionary apostolate to Higaonon Tribe in Bukidnon.

The last day of our apostolate together with the lumads and members of the MIM.

With Fr. Martin Mary Fonte (extreme right), presently the superior of the Philippine delegation and fellow friars destined for mission: Fra. Masseo (Rome), Fra. Crispino (Argentina), Fra. John Gerard (Rome) and me.

With some priests and brothers of our community at an old convent.

On the mountain top with priest-professors, philosophy seminarians, and friars of our community at Boccea, Rome.

 The only respite I had was those rare instances when our superior would invite us to join a pellegrinàgio (pilgrimage). Aside from going to the Vatican and seeing Pope Benedict XVI in person, I got to pray in the ancient churches of Rome. I was able to pray at the tombs of St. Monica, St. Leonard, St. Agnes, St. Ignatius of Loyola, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Josémaria Escriva,  and many other saints in Rome whom I can no longer remember (due to the numerous churches in Rome). In Napoli (Naples), there were St. Alphonsus Liguori, St. Gregory IX and St. Matthew the Evangelist. In Assisi, I prayed in the portiuncula where St. Francis died and witnessed for myself the thornless rose bushes on which he rolled as he fought against temptations against purity. At the foot of the Gran Sasso in the region of Abruzzo, I venerated the relics of St. Gabriel of the Sorrowful Mother. In San Giovanni Rotondo, I was able to touch the coffin of St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. In Padova (Padua), I venerated the relics of St. Anthony of Padua.

At Subiaco where St. Benedict first established a community of monks.

 In Subiaco, I got to visit the original monastery of St. Benedict and also prayed before his tomb and his sister’s (St. Scholastica) at Monte Cassino. In Venezia (Venice), I prayed before the incorrupt remains of St. Lucy, knelt before the tomb of St. Mark the Evangelist, and toured around the romantic city of the gondolas where Pope St. Pius X once ruled as Patriarch to be soon followed by St. Pope John XXIII who paved the way for the inauguration of the Second Vatican Council.

At St. Peter's Square with Fra. Joseph (Indian) and fellow Filipino, Fra. Masseo

It was so overwhelming to encounter so many saints and to walk on the same places they once trod during their earthly lives. The saints for me were no longer mere holy pictures of “superhumans”. They became for me real and concrete frail human beings who rose from their sinfulness with the help of God’s grace and moved forward, inspired by the Holy Spirit, to carry their crosses and follow Christ.

But the most unforgettable encounters I had were those with Pope Benedict XVI. Although I never got to touch him nor was I ever close enough to have a picture with him, it was enough for me to see him up close, meet his gaze, hear his voice, and be blessed by him together with all the faithful. I got to attend his Angelus at St. Peter’s Square, participate in a New Year’s Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica, pray the rosary with him together with the bishops of the Conferenza Episcopale Italiana at the Basilica of St. Mary Major, and take part in a Corpus Christi procession from the Basilica of St. John Lateran to St. Mary Major. (I always felt that it was so unjust how much the media has criticized the Pope Emeritus. He was always simple, soft spoken, and holy in a very ordinary kind of way as compared to Pope John Paul II who was a mystic).

Just playing on a small patch of snow. (First timers!)

But my stint in Rome was already marred with conflict. It was a time when a terrible crisis in our institute blew up. There was already an interior division due to the implementation of a ‘new charism’ based on the Vetus Ordo or Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite. Our institute was already leaning towards a radical tradionalist mentality which, in spite of my love for tradition, was something I could not agree to. The institute was becoming less missionary as it began to close in on itself and focused more on the contemplative life. I knew from the very beginning that the contemplative life was not meant for me. I was beginning to see the incompatibility of my own personal charism to the charism of the institute.

It was an intense soul journey for me. I even asked St. Pope John Paul II to guide me as I prayed before his tomb in the catacombs of the popes and most especially when I was among the millions who attended his beatification on May 1, 2011. The graces I received on that day sustained me for a few weeks but eventually, the escalating conflict within our congregation and my own personal doubts resurfaced.

I sought counsel from our Franciscan priests. I followed their advice, but none of it worked for me. I decided to knock on the door of Don Francesco Giordano, a diocesan priest from the Diocese of Albenga, asked him to hear my confession and I poured out my troubles to him. He gave me the simplest yet the most effective advice. I came to him regularly from then on. Eventually, he said to me, “You shouldn’t have been a Franciscan. You’re more suited as a diocesan seminarian.” It was an eye-opener for me. Never had I considered becoming a diocesan seminarian.

Incorrupt heart of St. Camillus de Lellis at
the Chiesa di Santa Maria Maddalena

I reflected. I prayed. I went for a personal retreat at an ancient friary in Tarquinia. I scoured the heavens for answers, but it seemed God was silent. One day in Rome, I got the chance to attend mass in the little church of St. Mary Magdalene which was the headquarters of the Camillians. After the mass, Fra. Angelo my companion and I approached the priest and asked him if we could visit and venerate the relics of my patron saint and the founder of their order, St. Camillus de Lellis. The priest immediately agreed and he himself gave us the tour. He showed us the quarters of the saint, the room where he spent his last breath. Then he showed us their most prized relic of the saint—his incorrupt heart. I knelt before it and prayed. As I venerated St. Camillus’ heart with devotion, the words of Blsd. John Cardinal Newman came to me: “Heart speaks unto heart.” It was then that I realized that it was about time for me to listen to what my heart was saying to me instead of waiting for some divine revelation to show me God’s will. What was my heart really telling me?

Then I remembered the words of Pope Benedict XVI, “Mi sono semplicemente detto che sono quel che sono. Non cerco di essere un altro. Quel che posso dare do, e quel che non posso non cerco e nemmeno di darlo. Non tento di fare di me qualcosa che non sono.” (I am simply who I say I am. I don’t try to be someone else. What I can give, I give. But I don’t force myself to give what I can’t. I don’t tempt myself to be something I am not.)

As I knelt there before the heart of St. Camillus de Lellis, I received the answer I was waiting for. It was right there in my heart all along.

o0o

As a 'pre-college' seminarian with my younger batchmates of Class Excelsior.

After one year in Rome and four years with the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, I decided not to renew my vows. So I returned home. Though I was already eligible to study in our seminary, the Seminario Teologico della Immaculata Mediatrice (STIM), since I already had a good working knowledge of Italian, I decided not to pursue my studies with them. It was a very difficult decision for me to make, knowing that I was already in Rome and would be studying for free. But then, I could not sacrifice my own peace of mind and heart just for that. I already had a lot of brothers; it was also difficult to say goodbye to them. I knew deep in my heart that I could no longer force myself to be something that I am not. Where the institute was going, I knew I could not follow. I knew I had to be true to myself. That was what St. Camillus and Pope Benedict XVI taught me. As I returned to the Fiumicino airport, boarding the Qatar Airlines for Manila, I looked back at Rome which for a year had become my home, my crucible of trial and strength. Having realized how much Rome had changed me, made me a stronger person, I could only say to myself: Sono venuto un Filipino. Me ne vado un Romano. (I came a Filipino. I leave a Roman.)

In my second year in IHMS, I was accelerated to third year philosophy
and became one of the new members of the SIRUK Class.

Four years have passed since the day I left Rome. It seemed as if it was all but a dream. I look back with no regrets. The bad memories are sublimating, the good ones shine like beacons. I realized that I was truly doing God’s will because the Immaculate arranged everything for me after that. She still kept me under her mantle and brought me to the Immaculate Heart of Mary Seminary, the diocesan seminary in my province Bohol. This Heart is my new home where my journey to the priesthood continued once again. My adjustment from a strict, semi-contemplative way of life to that of an active life in the diocesan seminary became a very smooth transition. I came to realize that my life as a Franciscan became the necessary preparation for me to enter into the active, apostolic life. The words of my spiritual director ringed true: I was not leaving the Franciscans to live an easier life. In the friary, I was being trained so that I would be ready to march into the battlefield.

Graduating Seminarians of 2015! Soaring High through God's Mercy!

Being a diocesan seminarian made me more of a missionary, most especially when I was sent to far-flung barrios in the boondocks, to remote islands and even within the city to lead BEC meetings and catechize students. Aside from that, I was given once more the opportunity to use my pen to write down all the words that I had treasured in my heart (cf. Lk. 2:19). I became truly as it were, a contemplative-active imitating Mary who treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart,’ (cf. Lk. 2:51). I met and gained more brothers who were as raucous as they were endearing, making life in the service of Christ all the more beautiful and enjoyable. I was even given the chance to teach Biological Science and even use my nursing skills once again. I realized that the opportunities to reach souls and lead them to Christ were indeed great and what I was doing as a seminarian was still a far-cry from a true apostolic life.

Who would have though I'd end up as a Thomasian?

With fellow freshmen on our Thomasian Walk.

After three years, I gained my degree in Philosophy. As I was applying for theology, I had the chances to put myself under the tutelage and patronage of St. John Mary Vianney, St. Charles Borromeo, St. Augustine and most especially, St. Arnold Janssen whose charism and spirituality had formed me since my elementary years until college. But then Our Lady had other plans in mind. Even as my heart was confused which theological school I would choose, St. Francis of Assisi and St. Bonaventure, led me by the hand to their dear friends, St. Dominic and St. Thomas Aquinas. Though it seemed impossible that I would pass due to the fatigue I felt when taking the exams, I passed the first phase of examinations. And despite all odds, I passed the second phase and was accepted in the Central Seminary of the Royal and Pontifical University of Santo Tomas.

Class of St. Michael, STB-I Class of UST Central Seminary on the feast of our patron

Almost three months have passed since I became an official Centralite. Once again, I have been given more brothers and a new family. Our class has put itself under the patronage of St. Michael the Archangel whom I will always hold dear since it was in a chapel in his honor that I first served as a sacristan and a member of the choir.

As I look back, I cannot help but marvel at all the graces that God has bestowed upon me. Even when the tempests seemed difficult to conquer, God was always there for me. He put the Immaculate and her band of saints over me like the moon and the stars guiding me in the darkest of nights and with the Holy Spirit blowing like a soft wind on the sails of my ship so as to lead me to the light of day where the Sun of Justice, Jesus Christ eternally shines. He even placed significant people in my life who would guide me and encourage me never to veer away from my path.

Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary

As I continue to answer God’s call to the priesthood, I am met with many challenges. Hebrew continues to boggle me. I have other eight other major theology subjects which compete for my time and attention to continually read, study, read and study more. I struggle with the fact that even as I study hard, my memory is no longer as supple as it used to be when I was still a nursing student. Aside from that, temptations all the more abound as the Devil seems to work more as I am nearing towards my goal.

All I can do is kneel before the statue of Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary. I see little Jesus close to her heart. I pour out in stirrings of my heart all my transgressions, worries, troubles, frustrations and fears. As I pray in silence contemplating this wonderful, miraculous image before me, I calm down and become overwhelmed by a sense of peace. Then I feel my heart beating, as it were, to a subtle, beautiful hymn of praise.

But there is something more. I do not hear words but sense more than one heart beating. Despite everything and after all that I have been through, I realize, that even until now, I have never been left alone. I feel it in unfathomable depths of my soul: Heart continues to speak unto heart.